Heads Down....

Enjoying and swaying on the island of my dreams, I was having a great time. More importantly I was smiling, for the only time in the day perhaps when I heard a call. I turned around to see the silhouette of a familiar guy, a person I adored. I Extended my arms to embrace him but he just pushed them aside with a jerk. And then he spoke.

Hey You! Yes I'm talking to you. He yelled. That deafening voice made me shiver. But as against being scared, I was quite curious about such sudden outburst of a guy who usually was the silent one, speaking only when necessary, not more than a few dozen words at a time. While his queer behaviour was what had captured my attention all this while, there was something he said which really got me thinking. The manner in which he asked that question, made it look like a subtle taunt, a comment on me. So what did he say? The more i dwell, the more I am forced to think, "Is it really that tough? That hard? To simply hope." While I just simply linger on to that thought, let me tell you what he actually said.

Have you ever felt like you don't know what's going on in your life anymore? Do you feel so lost that you are completely unaware about the destination life is taking you to?

It's pretty much like you don't care anymore. Nothing affects you anyhow. You're extremely demotivated and you feel worthless all throughout the day. Lost and incompetent, you feel useless and just a burden.

And when you lay at night you just feel so fucking confused about your feelings that you're unable to express them to anyone. You feel that the emptiness inside you will never be understood by another soul.

And then, you feel that you have nothing to look forward to in life. You just go through everyday as if it's an obligation to live. You don't want to do anything, your limbs feel as if they are not your own, not obeying any of your commands. Such lathargic attitude you have, that even breathing seems tiring.

I know you know the feels. So why not get over it, by simply hoping of something good, by being positive.

All this made me wonder a while, that if the solutions that easy, why I am actually so disinterested in living? Why does a smile on the lips is a rare sight? Why the does this young body lack energy and enthusiasm, a characteristic trait of this age? Why to.hope of bright future is such a gritty and resilient task?
All these questions that I had put forth to myself in an angry tone, to get off my depressed phase, kept me awake for the answer I thought never existed. It wasn't until dawn that, I found the answer. It lied in the simple fact of life, I had been taught, over and over, from an early age that "There's nothing such as free lunch". Previously I had always thought it only held true in material possession. But no, I realized it holds equally true with these non tangible things. Its costs something to even love or hope or hate.
So there I was sitting up straight on my bed having made a new discovery and a theory in my own great sense, realizing that its actually fine to feel dejected sometimes. Most importantly I figured out that no matter what they say, or which how much forcefully they reiterate this fact, its actually really tough and sometimes feels like a humongous task to hope. Hoping for the best till the end and when the chips are down; is one of the most difficult task at that point. Sometimes it feels nearly impossible to do so, life becomes all so gloomy and depressed and shitty, and even a pep talk which starts on motivational note ends up in abusing oneself and your imagination is amputated.
This is where I say its OK. Okay, perfectly fine. And if it suffices, I feel this too.

First LOVE

Morning seemed to arrive suddenly that day. I woke up, rubbbing my eyes and remembering exactly what had happened the previous day and then childishly wished it to just be a bad dream. But, alas it was not. The answer was real and so was her feelings. She was gone, FOREVER.

It happens every time. People lose interest in me. They get tired of me. Suddenly, they don't bother hitting me up anymore. The conversation which once used to be so lively and entertainting now becomes shorter, monotonus and almost predictable. They forget about me and I just become a distant memory. I wonder if it’s my fault sometimes. But then I realized that people never stay in my life. And there’s nothing I can do about it.
               
But still, it was pretty hard to digest the fact that a person once so close could go away this easily. All those talks, walks and everything seemed a dream, once so close to fulfillment but now broken. All the while I had dreamed like an idiot, romantically fantasising how we were even able to even understand each others' silences, but I was such a fool, because that silence communicated nothing but only enhanced our growing distances, resulting in the outcome that I was now facing. I was hurt. Badly? Yes, very badly. It seemed as though my heart was bleeding profusely. How could I have been normal, she was after all my first love. I tried so hard to be normal, tried my level best but in vain. Your first love could not be forgotten, it has this unusual knack to being in your memory for time immemorial, preserved and aching your heart every time it resurfaces.
You cannot compare any love to your first love, because when you first loved, you loved with innocence and you risked without fear. Because you didn't know what fear was, the thought of heartache was lacking in your daily. When you first loved, you loved purely, without doubt and hesitation. You loved, uneducated and unaware. You loved not knowing what love was. And it would be awfully unfair to compare any love to your first love, because from then and always on, you will search for that familiar voice in static, emotion in white noise, and magic in reality. And reality is, you'll always have that void and it won't ever be filled because it's there and it exists from experience. And it won't be until you realize that, do you finally understand that falling in love again is and could be far greater because you are so lucky if love finds you again, even if it has to force itself into the little crevice you try to fill with needless other unnecessary things. Because this time, you are aware, educated and knowing. Because if you really do ever fall in love again, you can differentiate between real and lust, and if it is real, you better know how to love and what it is to be loved..!!